Every time I have to explain to someone what’s wrong with me – and why I’m going slowly insane – it only makes things worse. Mom called today (bless her loving heart) and asked me how I was. So I had to go through the whole rigamarole about what’s going on and why I’m getting worse. Talk it through so to speak. And I’m sorry for spewing all this out for all to see, but I have to talk it through somehow. Read on is you dare.
I’m at rock bottom mentally. The layoff and subsequent lack of communication about when (if ever) I will get the money owed to me only makes it worse.
Thoughts of being homeless. Thoughts of losing my freedom. Thoughts about where my pets would be without me. Thoughts of money. Thoughts of how I can fix this quick. So many thoughts niggling on my fucking brain…like slow torture.
Then when I have to comfort loved ones and friends and convince them all is fine, I know I’m lying straight out to their faces. Putting on the brave front gets harder every day.
I know I’m strong. Somewhere in there is the person I know I am and always have been. I MUST DO BETTER. But how? I suppose this is simply a predestined part of my journey through life. Right?
Now, if only I could walk outside without going berserk…that would be a fine start. At least I can work on it through my artwork. Speaking of which, I have a few pieces in the works I should be attacking instead of wallowing in pity.