There are times when you feel so all alone…

alone

“The unhappy, the bitter and the vengeful need their fix – which is you or somebody, anybody in agony, or better yet dead, dropped in some hole.” – Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense

You know, for someone like me, someone in this condition/state of mind, I feel utterly abandoned by everyone on more days than I can count. My family, my friends, the world.

I know I have to fight this fear of “going out into the world.” I know that. But while I’m fighting, there are days where I feel that absolutely NO ONE is in my corner. I feel like a forgotten rag in a forgotten box buried underneath the other forgotten flotsam of life in the back of the garage. You know, the stuff you find five years later and decide to toss out after a few moments of sweet flashback.

Sure, people make a small modicum of an attempt to acknowledge my presence, but that’s about it. When my life was riding the high, when I had a well-paying job, everyone was all up in my business. Now that I’m locked in a real battle with several struggles (while still remaining upbeat and positive I might add), it seems that people have a habit of shunning me. I’m not an attention whore, trust me, but I would like some support from time to time.

Sure, my mom and dad do their best to communicate with me at least a few times a week. My dad more so these days, but I’m his baby girl. We’ve always had that connection. Mom? She’s busy with life. She has an awesome existence and I want her to keep that up and not worry about me. My sister, who used to call me several times a day, never speaks to me anymore. I think I’ve spoken to her maybe twice in over a month and we actually live within spitting distance of each other. I could literally walk to her house in 3 minutes. We used to be practically inseparable. Now? Nothing. She doesn’t even acknowledge text messages. There was a time when I was her rock and she was mine. I miss that. My kids are my steadfast champions and my cheerleaders, but they’re ten hours away from me. Miles and miles and miles. How I miss them. Even The Man seems to take pleasure in coming home from work, drinking/eating himself into oblivion, and not spending much time with me.

I guess when the money starts coming in again (if ever), then I’ll be approachable, more of a tempting target.

Why am I bitching? Because frankly this is my page (my space) and I can. I feel alone. I suppose it’s all my fault. I suppose I could hitch up my knickers, put on a bra, comb my hair and face my fears. But I’m not there yet. Is that why they stay away? Is that why they don’t communicate? Have I pushed them away? Have I done something wrong?

I guess I’m just craving face-to-face. Something more tangible than the Internet. But here I am. What can I do? And where did I put my knickers?

For now I suppose I’ll just keep up the Creative Challenge and dwell within my own mind, where it’s safe and warm.

Love, Lola

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “There are times when you feel so all alone…

  1. 100% relate. When I was making a lot of money and was at the top of my game, I was everyone’s IT GIRL.

    Then mental illness happened and I’m just not as appealing as when I was rolling in the money.

    Well, Lola. I’m in your corner. We can talk shit about loneliness and the world. Life sucks sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Lola…this just makes me feel sad for some of the things in, (or not in), your life. I have some of these very things going on in my life right now. I think you just have to pull strength from those willing to give it. Family, (your dad especially), and friends, (I have ears) and would love to listen if you’d like!

    My personal email is: spinman@email.com. Just type me your “whatever” and let me help cheer you up a bit! You can cheer me up too! Anyway, it’s there if you’d like…

    Spinner 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! Most days I typically do pretty well on my own (I’ve always loved the sound of my own brain when there’s no one else around to listen). But you know, there are days where you need a little attention. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that if I’m ever to get better, I need to stop belly-aching and just get out there. Even bad attention is better than no attention at all, right? LOL Maybe that naked gardening idea isn’t so bad after all

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s