One thing I hate about having mental health issues is the fact that NO ONE seems to be paying any attention. It’s like they think I’m being lazy or stupid because I can’t go outside and get a REAL fucking job.
I have been working from home for 15 years – half of which have been under the cloud of mental illness. However, most people (and that includes my parents and family) think I should go OUTSIDE and apply for jobs. Just today my own mother suggested I apply for work at Starbucks.
OMFG…Starbucks?! Have you people not been listening to me?!
No matter how many times I try to explain my illness, people think it’s bullshit, like I just made this crap up. Or like they’re too fucking busy with their own lives to even care about me, except for that shit on the surface. Perhaps if I was on a million prescriptions then I would be more normal in their eyes. “Pop some pills, Lola. Then it will be alright.”
I paid the last of this month’s bills on Friday. Now I have no more money. No health insurance. No hope. Scared out of my wits. There’s this cloud hanging over me. I don’t know how else to describe it. But all “they” can do is try to ignore my illness and make absurd freaking suggestions. ABSURD I tell you!
Maybe I should plan a party somewhere OUTSIDE and show them full force what happens to me in that kind of situation. Nothing like a real “get her to the hospital now” break down to make people see. My love for them stops me though. I can’t break down…for their sake. I just wish there was some way they could SEE for MY sake.
I’ve sat here all weekend with my own screaming thoughts, trying not to be too depressed. The Man has been on tippy toes, and I love him for that. He sees my anguish, even if he is a bumbling (albeit loving) idiot about it at times. At least he gets it and he NEVER pushes me…EVER.
I don’t want this. I didn’t choose it. I don’t need it. I wish to be better. I really do.