Whine, bitch and moan

 The Dude abides. Coen Brothers/Gramercy Pictures
The Dude abides. Credit: Coen Brothers/Gramercy Pictures

There are times lately where I struggle so hard to find my voice, my passion, my inner drive to do better. Yes, I’ve made improvements in some areas, but there are still so many things that hinder my brain.

The vacation with the kids was nice, and so were the three boating excursions we took. Momma drank beer and bobbed on the boat while the kids had fun. The wind was nice, the sun was nice, the lack of people on the lake was also nice. I even took some time to dip my ass in the water for a few minutes. Truth be told I was afraid of getting my butt bit by an alligator gar. But it was still refreshing.

Work has been good. Our stats have been improving and things are starting to take shape. We’ve even had a few days where we reached profitability (pennies, but a step in the right direction). Not bad for a company started by two people a mere 9 months ago. I only wish it could pay better at this point. I’m stressed constantly by bills I can’t pay and the need for those services I can’t pay for. I’m stressed even more by keeping it all together work-wise. Stiff upper lips often mask something insidious beneath the surface.

I haven’t been creative in months. Everything I start I wind up not finishing. That’s why my entire studio has been mothballed, in the closet, out of sight out of mind. I just couldn’t bear to put myself through that any longer. I know it sounds terrible, but you have to make choices.

I’m gaining weight for some reason, even though I’m eating less because I can’t afford to cook what my body wants. So there are days where I don’t even eat at all. Why bother. I’m not going to shove junk food in my mouth because it’s cheaper. Plus, I just don’t have the motivation for eating. Again, why bother. I wouldn’t enjoy it anyway.

So there you have it. Lola bitching, not sure where the universe will take me next. I’m hanging on for dear life at least.

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6 thoughts on “Whine, bitch and moan

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